Mothering and Mattering

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and every day was exactly the same and nothing that you did mattered?”

“That about sums it up for me.”

Say what you will about Groundhog Day (the movie), but I continue to gain new insights to life from it. This is the one that hit me this week, for a few reasons. It has been dismally wintery outside since Christmas. The snow won't go away, and the temperatures refuse to allow me the desire or opportunity to get out much. I can much better fathom Phil's hopelessness for the first half of the film - I'm starting to go crazy and it's only been a few weeks!

I've also been feeling a bit like Phil's synopsis of his plight "sums it up for me" in my day-to-day life at the moment. Disclaimer: I'm going to be honest here, and it will sound somewhat whiney, but please be assured that I am fully aware the "problems" I have are the best kind to have. My husband, by a miracle that I'll someday have to document, has a wonderful job which enables him to support our family and grow professionally. We have a happy marriage in which we both try hard to improve and communicate, and he is a fabulously hands-on dad to our two beautiful, healthy children. What else really matters? The fact is, though, that I'm going through an enormous transition in my life, and it's okay for me to have a bit of a rough time adjusting. I felt that maybe expressing some feelings might help a bit.

Two and a half months ago, I traded (mostly) the professional world for the realm of domesticity. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy - I was truthfully quite intimidated to become a stay-at-home mom to two children. In my "past life," I was blessed to have a job where I felt like what I did mattered. I received gratitude, respect, and recognition from students, faculty, and administrators. I indirectly assisted in educating healthcare professionals who in turn were bettering the lives of their patients and clients around the country. I had been in that position for almost seven years (and at the university for over eight years), so I had confidence in my own abilities and knowledge.

Now, I serve three people. One big, two little. One of the littles thinks he's pretty big.

And he thinks my full-time job is to entertain him. I try to comply much of the day. We do puzzles, we learn the alphabet, we play with blocks, we color. I let him help me make dinner, sweep and mop (goodness me, that task is made much more difficult with a kiddo following you around), clean the fridge, feed the cats (Note: we don't do all of these things every day. I'm just giving examples. I am not entertaining him THIS much every day, though he wants me to). I'm trying to show him the blessings that come from working together and accomplishing things. And while we're involved in these fun or productive activities, things go well enough. But it seems (and maybe it's just me, and just part of this transition I'm going through), that if I turn my attention to anything other than him for more than ten minutes, he starts looking for any way to get that attention back - which is often through doing something he knows he shouldn't do. I'm struggling with being patient, with reacting creatively to change his focus to something else. I find myself fighting feelings of resentment, and losing motivation to engage with him. In the back of my mind, I remember that I just need to relax and make life fun and see things from his perspective. I know that this time is so fleeting and before long I'll be the one vying for his attention. But I can't deny the pouty mindset that screams, "I'm TRYING! I'm not sitting on the couch watching soaps. I'm doing my best to juggle mothering with running our home. Doesn't my effort MATTER to you, or will it never be good enough??"

In Groundhog Day, Phil learns by the end of the movie that what he does DOES matter. Not a single factor changes in Punxatawney from the time he enters the town until the movie's end, EXCEPT Phil. Yet so much positive change occurs in a single day for the rest of the townsfolk, all because a single person chooses to find ways to MAKE what he does matter. Attitude truly is everything. I know this. I can only keep doing my best to live with the right attitude, one day at a time.

Things are going to get better with time. LG will figure out what it means to be the kid versus the parent. Will will eventually start coming home before 9PM every night (poor guy), which will help us all a great deal. And I will get used to this new normal, even though it will still be difficult much of the time. BabyG doesn't need to change a thing (she's perfect), and sadly she'll be the one changing the most.

I know my struggles are not even close to unique. Most mothers probably feel the same exact way much of the time. That doesn't make any of our trials any less important, though. To bookend this post with another movie quote (this one from Ghost Town), "We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters."