A quick explanation of Hypnobabies. I did the self-study program, which includes 6 CDs and a study book. You listen to one CD every night (each one is about 30-40 minutes long), during which you practice going into deep hypnosis and complete relaxation. You must start at least 5 weeks before your due date (I think I started around 8 weeks before). It definitely took a large chunk of time each night, but considering it was focusing on relaxation, it was not unpleasant beyond simply being time consuming. You’re supposed to practice entering hypnosis without the CDs several times a day…I could never get myself to work that into my life somehow. The point of the program is to basically reprogram your mindset about labor and delivery to think about it positively and to expect it to be pleasant, beautiful and pain-free. Yes, you kind of have to take that with a grain of salt. But I truly believe that the more you put in to it (or “give in” to it!), the more effective it will be. I think putting that much time, preparation, and thought in to readying yourself for childbirth – in and of itself – is incredibly helpful. The Hypnobabies program also has short lessons you read (one a week) to educate you on health, birthing plans, etc. I liked how it forced me to think about things ahead of time and make some decisions. Not that everything will go according to plan (does it ever?), but it helps to think things through and have an opinion formed, then prepare to be flexible based on circumstances!
I’ll go through the birth story momentarily, but to get to the heart of my experience, I do think that (a) Hypnobabies gave me the tools and skills to give birth naturally (mainly by practicing and engraining relaxation and positivity into my brain so that labor could progress quickly and smoothly), and (b) that natural childbirth was a fantastic experience for me. Yes, it was still very painful and difficult – but only for about two hours. And at the end of those two hours I felt empowered. I felt the “fullness” of my womanhood, if that makes sense. I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment – probably greater than any other goal I’ve ever met. And the icing on the cake: I felt great! Nurses in the newborn unit claimed I didn’t look like I’d just given birth (maybe they were just being nice, but still). I had no tearing (I’d done perineal massage in the weeks leading up to the birth). Compare that to LG’s birth, where the pain lasted 7+ hours and once I’d received an epidural, LG’s and my heart rate plummeted and I had to be put on oxygen… yeah. I’ll take Door #2, thank you very much.
On to the birth story. I was due on May 5th. The evening of May 2nd, we watched We Bought a Zoo. Alena took a tummy pic of me (she and Will’s mom had been staying with us for the past week or more in preparation for the birth – Alena was reprising her role as my doula for this second birth). I went to bed and then woke up around 2:30, right when Will and everyone were going to bed - which was lucky, because my water broke in the bathroom (déjà vu!) and I didn't know how I'd alert any of them for help/guidance. Alena recommended I go back to bed and try to sleep. I tried to relax but was having trouble (fancy that!), so I put on some relaxing music and was eventually able to sleep a bit. I'd have contractions here and there, but they'd let up to let me sleep for chunks of time.
I woke up around the time LG woke up (8:15ish), and decided I wouldn't be sleeping anymore. Will took LG to daycare and I got out of bed for my morning prayer. I remember mentioning my gratitude for the experience I was about to have, and asking for perspective to appreciate the opportunity to experience it. I felt ready to embrace whatever would happen that day. I got up and got our green shakes ready, then had a shower and listened to my Birthing Affirmations track for the first time. It was a good confidence booster to help me approach the day positively. My contractions had been becoming "crampy," and I found it felt good to sway back and forth when they came on. I didn't feel BabyG moving around quite as much, but did feel her moving and wasn't particularly concerned that she was having any kind of trouble.
I called my mom at 10:47 (yes, that’s the exact time according to the cell phone record. I wrote this birth story within a week or so of the birth and thought it would be helpful to note the times of these phone calls for context) and let her know what was going on (sitting Indian style on the floor just as a different position for a bit). Then I got up and had some cereal while I still felt like eating. I then started sweeping the laminate (I hadn't swept and mopped in AGES!), talking to Alena and Will's mom here and there about how things were progressing. I started asking Alena when we should call the midwife around 11:15. I had to lean against a wall a few times to relax through some contractions, but besides that I was laughing and feeling really good and positive. I started mopping, and had to lean on the mop or even go down on hands and knees to get through some contractions.
Finally, we had Will call the midwife (I think it was around 12 or 12:30). I had gotten my birthing ball out and was beginning to have to moan to get through the contractions. Will asked if he had time to shower or if we should just go, and I said we definitely needed to go. My mom had called in the middle of one contraction, then called again at 1:07 and this time I answered (I was in between contractions) and let her know the update. The contractions were starting to get much more powerful and closer together. I mentioned to Alena that I was worried about giving birth in the car and wanted to get going. Will gave me a blessing before we left, talking about focusing on BabyG and on the Spirit throughout the process - to remember and recognize the significance of what was happening despite how challenging things would be. I remember dreading the ride to the hospital and starting to feel anxious about the progression of the labor and the likelihood that things would get worse and had a ways yet to go.
Will got me in the car and I leaned over my doubled-up body pillow and began listening to my Easy First Stage track of Hypnobabies on headphones. It did succeed in calming me down and helping me relax for a while – I actually didn't even need to moan through most of the van ride. I felt the van move as we headed to the hospital and kept a small part of my mind open to where we were on our way there, but I tried to focus on the instructions I was hearing and force myself to relax. As we got 4-5 minutes away it got harder and harder. I was also burning up, but didn't want to pull myself out of hypnosis to ask for more air (when I told Alena about that afterwards, she said I was likely overheating because I was in Transition stage). Alena pulled up in front of the hospital, and Will ran in to get a wheelchair for me. Each time we had to make a change of the current situation (moving from one position or place to another), I felt a sense of panic - I wanted to stay put to focus through contractions, and was nervous about what any changes would bring on for me. But each time, I tried to recognize that I didn't really have a choice and might as well move forward.
The nurse pushed me into the hospital and to the elevator. I heard her making small talk with Will and at one point felt her squeeze my shoulder reassuringly. I was hunched over the side of the chair, still hugging my pillows. It was getting harder to listen to the Hypnobabies as I heard conversations going on around me. They got me into the triage room and told me to put on the hospital gown. Then, the nurse bluntly told me to get on the bed so she could check me and so they could put the baby monitor on. I shook my head and said I didn't want to get in the bed. The nurse (who was not the most polite human being) insisted, so I got on and tried to breathe and relax through being checked. I heard laughter and all kinds of noisy conversation out in the hallway - not cool! The nurse said I was a 7 or an 8 - that was a huge relief to me to hear, since with LG I'd been stuck at a 5 for forever. I had a few contractions on the bed and sat up through them. At home and right now, Alena was helping apply pressure to my back and/or hips to help ease the back labor, which helped a lot at times.
Then they told me to walk to my labor and delivery room. Seriously?? Walk?!? I balked at the idea. But they said it was just around the corner, and again I recognized that I didn’t really have a choice. So they draped a sheet around me and walked with me to the room. When we got to the room, I started to REALLY dread what was coming and wonder if I could make it through the experience ahead. In hindsight, all the changes I dreaded throughout the experience were probably helping me progress substantially in dilating and in BabyG dropping - walking to the van, sitting there and in the wheelchair and in the bed, kneeling on the floor, walking in the hospital, sitting on the toilet, and then going to kneel on the floor (and then kneel in the bed). A new nurse had joined us and very testily insisted that we get the monitor on this baby RIGHT NOW. I remember saying, "I'm trying!" (as in, what more do you want me to do??). By this time, the contractions were coming fast and furious and I started crying. Will asked if I wanted the Hypnobabies on the headphones and I hurriedly told him to put it on the speakers so I didn't have to use the headphones. Once it was on, I wondered why in the world we bothered having it because it was just added noise/confusion to the environment.
I was clutching a pillow in front of me (they'd recommended I get on the bed when I'd originally knelt on the floor by the bed - then they tried to get me to shift whenever I wasn't mid-contraction so that I'd be in a good position). I was SO HOT I could barely stand it, and was wondering if they in fact had AC in the hospital. At some point, the midwife, Claudia, came in (she was in the midst of an extremely busy birthing day at the hospital). She seemed very pleased with how things were progressing. Alena was giving me pep talks, and I remember at some point looking for Will and asking him to hold my hand - I needed his reassurance that I was doing okay, because I was increasingly feeling a loss of control. I was sobbing through the contractions and felt rather humiliated that I wasn't being calm and confident like I'd tried to prepare to be (though Alena has since said I did a fantastic job). The thought did cross my mind a few fleeting moments that perhaps an epidural wouldn't be such a bad idea, but I tried to ignore those thoughts.
The only picture I have with Claudia, my midwife (in yellow). I look so calm, haha!
Claudia then started talking to me about pushing - one of the first things she said was that I could potentially get BabyG out with the next contraction if I pushed. I thought to myself, "yeah, right!" - it was incomprehensible to me that I could be ready to start pushing. I felt no need/desire to push and didn't think we'd progressed that far (I had thought we had hours ahead of us still). One or two contractions passed without my acting on their suggestions, but then Alena started reassuring me that I could start pushing if I felt like it. I tried to explain that I didn't feel like we were at that point yet, but no one seemed to believe me - so I took that as a sign that I guessed they knew and I didn't. This experience demonstrates to me what King Benjamin meant in Mosiah 3:19 about becoming like a little child: “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” What Claudia and Alena were telling me at that point didn't make sense to me, and was scary to me - but I knew that they could see what I couldn't see and that I had to trust them and their judgment. So I started pushing.
Looking less calm, but being held together by wonderful Alena.
I had to practically yell through the pushes to deal with the pain. I was surprised to find that I did get a few breaks here and there, but spent the entirety of them hyperventilating and panicking about the returning pain (saying "I can't do this!" repeatedly). Claudia talked about starting to see BabyG, so I pushed harder. Finally, I could feel myself stretching as she prepared to come out, and then there was a NEW pain to discover. :) Not pleasant, man. I wanted that OVER with, and felt there was no way she was going to fit through the opening she was attempting to exit. At this point, I think my brain practically turned off so that I could devote all energy and focus to getting through the next few minutes and getting BabyG here.
Finally (FINALLY – and it’s a bit ironic I say that, since we got to the hospital around 2 and BabyG was born at 2:45), I felt the enormously relieving, slippery-slideyness of her leaving me, and they immediately passed her up to me. She was covered in white goopiness but was red and wriggling, full of life and perfect in every way. With the birth having gone so smoothly and simply, they helped me turn around and let me hold her skin-to-skin right away (and for a long time). The midwife noticed that there was a "true knot" in the cord, meaning sometime during the pregnancy, BabyG had moved around and gotten it tied up - apparently that could have been extremely dangerous...thank goodness nothing bad came of it! The midwife seemed pretty surprised about it. Apparently the cord was quite long. They clamped it on both ends (it had stopped pulsating relatively quickly), and Will cut it. And I just held her and looked at her and marveled at the miracle in which I'd just taken part.
With one of my nurses (on the left), Will and Alena.
Relieved that it's all over!
My wee darlin'.
And there you have it. On my postpartum visit to the midwife clinic, the midwife I met (not Claudia) said that Claudia had said I was a rockstar in my labor, or something like that. So it sounds like all things considered, I did pretty well. BabyG was 8 lbs 6 oz when she was born, so she wasn’t petite or anything, either! I’m sure some will read this birth story and think many of the things that bothered me were due to birthing in a hospital. I’m not ready for home birth yet (it might never be something I want) – I will happily take the inconveniences I experienced for the peace of mind I personally needed from being at the hospital. I am very grateful that I’ve had Alena and midwives attend both of my children’s births, though, and can’t recommend midwives highly enough in general.
None of this is meant to brag, nor to convince anyone else to do what I did. Epidurals are wonderful things (I don’t know what I’d have done without the epidural for LG’s birth!!), and childbirth is an intensely personal experience filled with intensely personal decisions. I do write this to glory in the human body and what it can do. To note that sometimes experiencing pain (and even, in a way, embracing it) can be incredibly life affirming. And to put my experience, (with all its ups and downs) out there for those who are curious and considering natural childbirth, in case it’s helpful for anyone.
