This Sickness is Not Unto Death - Part 3

If you've made it to this final post, thank you. Forgive me, it's long (again). Wednesday morning, we got to Will at the hospital right as they started waking him up. As the sedative and paralytic wore off, he immediately started shaking all over (just like he had done in the ER), and he pulled his left leg in (in discomfort?) and opened his eyes slightly. The doctor said he needed to do a few commands to see if Will could respond, and shouted, "William, open your eyes!" like he had on Monday in the ER. Will did. The doctor pounded on his chest (I think he had to do something that would hurt to see how/if Will reacted?), and Will winced and pulled his body upward a little. The doctor asked him to squeeze his hand, and he did. The doctor was satisfied with Will's responses and said these were all really good signs, and said he would be back in 1.5 hours or so to remove Will's intubation if things continued in this direction. With the low expectations we had tried to maintain, we were thrilled beyond words at what we were witnessing.

I held Will's left hand and pet his forehead and told him we were here and everything was okay, and he immediately started to calm down and not shake anymore. I don't remember the sequence of all this, but I told him we were at the hospital and that we thought we lost him (I think that's what I said, and started to break down). He was still intubated and obviously extremely uncomfortable from that, trying to move around, and we told him not to move even though it was uncomfortable. I let Alena trade me places, and she said something like, "Can you see me?" or "Can you open your eyes?", and he suddenly opened his eyes quite widely. They were blood red and a little goopy. At some point, I returned to the head of his bed (left side) and was still holding his left hand, when I realized he was signing ASL letters in my hand. We first saw W-H-A-T-H-A (by then we said, "What happened?" and he nodded). I explained. He then signed B-A-D-D-R-E (somewhere in there we asked, "Bad dream?" and he nodded), to which we responded, "Tell us about it!" with an involuntary laugh. He asked (I forget how) the day and/or time, and then started in with "What happened?" again. The doctor had told us that his short-term memory would be pretty bad for a while, so we were expecting that and went through things again. Sometime around now, I tried my mom at 7:45 to update her quickly, left a voicemail, and then called my brother, Joel, when I didn't reach her, gave him the update and asked him to let family know and post it to Facebook.

At some point, the nurse said the respiratory therapist would be there in a minute to take out Will's tubing (which was surprising, since the doctor had said he would do it - but we weren't arguing, since we wanted Will more comfortable and able to communicate with us!). Alena took a picture of Will giving the thumbs-up sign, which we posted to Facebook, and which has since symbolized to me all the miracles we experienced during this time.

Bishop was there by then (I forget...he might have been there from the beginning that morning). My memory of sequencing is horrible, but here are the first few things that Will said once he was no longer intubated (several of them repeated several times, due to that short-term memory):

• "What happened?" (we realized too late after the fact that we should have recorded my explanation on my iPad, then pressed Play each time he asked after that!)
• "What the crap?!"
• "What the Hades?!"
• "This doesn't happen to me."
• "This is the wrong side of the bed to be on."
• He rubbed his head, and Jeana said, "You still don't have hair." He said something, like, "Darn it."
• He had a really hard time (for a few hours) accepting that it was Wednesday. I probed to get the last thing he remembered, and it was going to bed Sunday night.
• He talked about not liking hospitals and not having been in them (he and Minnie talked about how he'd been in to have tubes in his ears and once when he broke his nose, but how he didn't come in when he broke his sternum because there's nothing they can do for that). So we weren't worried about his long-term memory.
• He kept asking if someone had called work, and I repeatedly explained how I'd called them on Monday and had been communicating with them since. One time, he was specifically concerned about not being there for payroll that had to be run. After a few hours and several repetitions, he started remembering being told that and also remembering (if I prodded him when he asked what happened) being told that he fell in the bathroom - after which he would ask why and more details.
• He said hi to the Bishop, and every minute or two if he looked back over at him, he would say something like, "Oh, hey, Bishop!" Later, he would remember (if it was brought up) that the Bishop was there and even where he had been standing in the room.
• He said "This is a bad dream" and "I'm just waiting to wake up from all of this" several times. Also said he felt like he was in the Twilight Zone two or three times.
• He had pain in his shoulder/side (which we thought was all due to the line in his chest from his collapsed lung, and later found out was also connected to a bubble of air in his lung that can be VERY painful). So he talked about how badly it hurt and then when we mentioned the collapsed lung, he was surprised and frustrated about that all over again each time.
• Throughout the day, each time Jeana returned to his room after an absence, he would act like he hadn't seen her before and was so pleasantly surprised she had driven down.
• He asked several times about the kids and who was watching them.

That day, the physical therapist and his assistant came by to get him out of his bed, and he walked back and forth about 5 feet three times. Dane and Ali came to visit after they'd dropped the kids off, and Will was pretty cheerful and animated with them - when Dane showed him a picture of his new gun and said Will should come shoot it with him sometime, Will immediately quipped, "Well, what are we doing here? Let's go!" Will was in a lot of pain that day, but he seemed pretty distracted from that by how frustrated he was with how he could possibly have suffered cardiac arrest, be in the hospital, and lost two days of his life.

Each night, going home to get the kids fed and to bed was pretty rough, since the kids were so wound up from their day. But it was certainly helpful for them to have us there and maintain a fairly normal bedtime routine. BabyG would say, "Daddy? Daddy?" anytime she was close to our bedroom or if we went in the garage to go anywhere and she saw his red 3000GT. After the kids were down, I headed back over with Alena to spend a little time with Will before returning home for bed. The doctor had spoken to Will about the potential (likely) need for an ICD (internal defibrillator) implant to prevent this from happening again. They had also put him on stronger pain meds, because at some point he had been crying due to the intensity of the pain (but he hates pain meds and was trying to avoid saying anything). The Bishop came by while I was there and gave Will a beautiful blessing, saying that all of this was not to punish him but to allow the Lord to bless him even more. He said that despite that, the feelings of frustration and sorrow were perfectly reasonable and understandable to have. Those are the main things I remember. I said goodnight and left Alena and Minnie with Will to go home and sleep. Before I left, I told Will this might be hard for him to hear because of how much pain he was in and how frustrating the day was, but that this day was the best day of my life.

The next day (Thursday) was taken up with stress tests on his heart and more physical therapy. He was extremely dizzy that day and in a great deal of pain from the chest tube. Around 5PM, the nurse and I were giving Will a sponge bath when Dr. Wang called our room. He had been expecting to come visit Will between 5 and 5:30, but got called in unexpectedly to Timpanogos Regional Hospital and wouldn't be able to make it back until late. He said that Will had passed his stress test, which meant that his heart was strong, and it was much better to have a strong heart with arrhythmia than a weak heart with it. He said Will would need the ICD. He said he would still look at Will's file that we had brought in case anything stood out to him that could connect this to his chronic tendinitis, but he strongly doubted he would find anything. I asked if the investigation of of Will's situation would continue after the ICD implant and quick review of his file, and he basically said no, that the secondary diagnosis (beyond the diagnosis of cardiac arrest due to v-fibrillation) would be something-or-other that meant that there was no known medical cause for the cardiac arrest, and how he'd just had two other patients recently that had that diagnosis or something. I explained how frustrated Will would be to get basically an exclusionary diagnosis out of this, especially with the lack of answers he'd already had from so many doctors about his tendinitis (which showed up out of the blue around 3 years ago when he was healthy and had taken good care of himself). The doctor agreed that there may well be a "unifying cause" to the tendinitis and cardiac arrest, but it was "not known to the medical world" and basically said he was considering Will's case to be closed. In answer to other questions, he said he had already penciled Will in for the ICD surgery the next afternoon, and that Will would likely be able to go home on Saturday. The ICD would track Will's heart rhythm at all times and report it all to Dr. Wang's office so they could track everything going on (so that might possibly teach them something). I was getting emotional (in frustration for Will) as we ended the conversation, and as soon as I hung up I just started crying. Alena, Jeana, and Minnie returned just then and I went on a rant about how sick I was of doctors who stopped investigating as soon as Will's problems didn't fit in their typical cubby-holes of answers. I was really mad that no one cared enough to really go the extra mile and/or try to collaborate with other specialists to figure out what the heck had been going on with Will for years and especially now. It took me a few hours to calm down from that (also venting to my Mom on my drive home to get the kids to bed), but eventually I forced myself to focus on the miracle we had experienced in Will's simply being alive. After the first hour or two of panic on Monday, I hadn't been emotional except for once on Tuesday when I was telling my mom on the phone that I knew Will knew I loved him, and then the time when he was first coming out of the coma. So I was holding my composure for a long time and just holding everything in, and this was the leak that burst that cloud open into a downpour of emotion and tears.

Jeana and I ran home to take care of the kids, and not long before I got back, they finally took the chest line out of Will, and he seemed to be feeling quite a bit better at last. Alena and Jeana headed to the airport to get Kimra and Matt (Will's sister and her husband, who came out earlier than they originally planned for a trip to Idaho, so they could come see Will beforehand). The next morning, while I was getting the kids ready, Alena let me know that the ICD surgery would be late morning or early afternoon (earlier than we had anticipated) and that the doctor had recommended an MRI to check on Will's brain due to his prolonged dizziness and the question of whether he had hit his head during his fall; once his ICD was in, Will would not be able to have an MRI again, so this was his only chance for that. Will was very uncomfortable with the MRI idea, since the machine made him feel VERY claustrophobic, and the procedure would take thirty minutes. I talked to Will for a little over the phone to try to help, but the kids were acting up and I had to leave. I said I supported whatever he wanted to do, but that it sounded like the MRI might be a good idea if he thought he could handle it. Later, Alena texted that he had gone for the MRI and that the bishop had come and given him a blessing. Then, later, she let me know that he was already going in for the ICD surgery before I had even left home (I felt so bad that I wasn't there, and surprised how quickly everything was happening that morning). She said Will was pretty upset because the doctor told him he would not be able to bench press, do push-ups, or do military press for the rest of his life (although other weight lifting and exercises would eventually be fine).

When we finally got to the hospital in the late morning, Bishop was there with Alena and Minnie. Dr. Pearce came in to tell us that the MRI was clear except for a tiny blip that wasn't in an area related to dizziness and was probably just due to recovery from the cardiac arrest/coma. Kimra and Jeana came, and all of us had a nice conversation with each other and the Bishop while we waited for the ICD surgery to finish (about 2 hours). Then Dr. Wang came in to let us know that it had been successful. He reminded us that 97% of people who experience cardiac arrest do not survive, and of the remaining 3%, most do not fully recover - so everything lined up just right to give us the miracle of Will being alive with full recovery. The ICD would ensure that this would never happen again (he would almost certainly not survive a repeat incident), as it would sense an arrhythmia and immediately shock his heart back to life (feeling like a kick in the chest from a horse) if it ever occurred again.

We went back to see Will, and he was very groggy and tired. That was Matt and Kimra's first chance to see him, though, so we visited for a bit. Then, they had everyone but me leave so Will could get some rest. Other than Tuesday, I didn't really spend too much downtime journaling - it was almost a full-time job responding to texts, comments on status messages, phone calls, etc. And then remembering to make updates on Facebook, since everyone was anxious to hear news each day. Sometimes I laid my head on Will's leg or on the arm of his hospital bed and dozed a bit. When everyone returned, we had a fun visit all together in Will's room (there were six of us besides Will - so much for two at a time!). 

Alena, me, Minnie, Will, Kimra, Matt, and Jeana

Matt, Will, Bishop

Kimra, Matt and Jeana eventually left for Idaho, and later, Dr. Wang came in and talked to Will about how the surgery went, and said they would put him on beta blockers to make sure his heart rate never spiked in an anxious/heated situation - at least for the first few weeks. Will cannot raise his arm past the elbow and cannot pick up more than 10 lbs (so no carrying kids!) for 4-6 weeks. He has to be approved to do any type of exercise. He can't linger around metal/security detectors and will have to carry an ICD card with him everywhere - he can't be wanded by airport security personnel. He can't talk on a cell phone with his left ear, and can't work under the hood of a running vehicle. Any time he gets a shock he needs to call the doctor's office as soon as he can (or first thing the next morning if they are closed). Anytime he gets more than one shock in a day, he needs to go to the ER to get checked out. 

On Saturday, I headed over to the hospital to (I thought) pick up Will and bring him home. However, I walked into his room just in time to hear the doctor tell him they would keep him overnight again, since (a) he was still pretty dizzy and not completely steady on his feet, (b) he wasn't strong enough still, and (c) they had to switch him to an oral antibiotic (instead of the one through the IV), so they want to make sure he can tolerate that before sending him home. It was definitely wise, even though Will was disappointed. So he had one last walk around the ICU with the PTs, and a last nap while I worked on journaling, and then they moved him to the telemetry floor (so he wouldn't be so connected everywhere and could move around more). He was pretty wiped out by the time they got him situated, then I ordered him some lunch and he rested on and off for the afternoon. 

Almost all day, I typed away on my iPad. It ended up being a huge blessing for me to have this extra day in the hospital, since if Will had come home Saturday, I would be up with the kids all day and would have to try to fit journaling in late at night or early in the morning. It could have taken a week or two to get through the whole experience, and I would likely forget more and more each day. So even if this extra day was simply an answer to my prayer that morning that I'd be able to remember details for recording this experience for our family, I consider that worth the minor inconvenience/disappointment! 

Journaling - it was chilly in his room!

On Will's second PT walk of the day (the first on the 5th floor), the PTs showed us a huge storm coming in with lightning, thunder, and high winds. When we got back to his room, we saw that the storm was literally coming in our window, with big fat raindrops falling on the sill and getting the floor wet. They found out that all the windows on our side of the building (which wasn't shielded by another tall building next to it) were leaking. Nice! We didn't mind...we Cosmans like ourselves a good storm!

Unfortunately, though, we found out Sunday morning that the "good storm" had flooded several homes on our hill. Many of our ward members were serving selflessly again that morning, this time helping fill sandbags and assisting these other families with the damage that had occurred. Will and I did not get home until around 1:30 in the afternoon.

Going Home Today!

Ready to Leave!

No, Will isn't smiling...that's a wince, as BabyG is right on his sore shoulder here.

The kids were so happy to see their dad again, but Will was so exhausted and still in a lot of pain. Minnie and Alena had talked to LG about how he would need to "take care of Daddy," so LG set right to work getting Will covered in his (LG's) favorite soft, blue blanket and making sure he had water to drink. I was hit by an overwhelming feeling, similar to bringing a newborn home from the hospital - worried I would not be able to keep everything together. The Relief Society jumped right in and set up meals for three more days, and volunteers watched LG for a couple hours on the days when he didn't have preschool so that I could get a short break each day. That first week, Will stayed home and recuperated; the week after, he put in a part-time week, and this past week, he was back pretty much full-time.

Things have mostly normalized now (Will still has to sleep on the LazyBoy at night since it hurts too much to lie all the way down, and he is still tired and uncomfortable most of the day), and looking back on all of this, I just shake my head that it actually happened. It feels like a bad dream. But it did happen, it has changed us in so many ways, and I know it will be important to look back on this experience frequently - both personally, and as a family. I plan on printing out all my status messages and the accompanying comments of love and support, combining those with printed pictures and several of the cards and notes we received, and making a little book of remembrance that will sit in our family room. As I mentioned on Facebook, every year on September 4th, we will celebrate William's "Second Birth"-day and give thanks for Heavenly Father's mercies in bringing him back to us. 

In meeting and talking with the paramedics and officers who saved Will's life, and in (slowly!) distributing thank you's to as many of the people that we can who helped and supported us through this trial, I have been amazed all over again at how many blessings we have received. So many people did things they may have thought were little or not significant, but it truly added up to be a massive demonstration of love and service. Even the people who weren't local sent their messages of prayers and concern via text, email, and Facebook, and every single one of those lifted our spirits as well. It is hard to fully capture all of this without experiencing it, I imagine, but I hope these posts have given you a taste of it. No one can go through what I have gone through and not know that he or she has a loving Father in Heaven who has a plan for each of us. I don't know why we received all of these miracles when so many more stories that begin similarly end with tragedy. I have had two uncles die at young ages in tragic circumstances, and I shudder to realize how close I came to being on my own on this earth with two young children. But even then, I knew then and I know now that I would not have really been "on my own." None of us is ever actually alone. I don't know if Stephen Sondheim believes in God, but his lyrics to "No One is Alone" from Into the Woods touch my heart with truth. I will leave you with them, thanking you for taking the time to read this very long story:

Mother cannot guide you.
Now you're on your own.
Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone. Truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you
Halfway through the wood.
Others may deceive you.
You decide what's good.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.

Mother isn't here now
Who knows what she'd say?
Nothing's quite so clear now.
Feel you've lost your way?
You are not alone.
Believe me,
No one is alone

You move just a finger,
Say the slightest word,
Something's bound to linger,
Be heard.
No acts alone.
Careful.
No one is alone.
People make mistakes.
Fathers, Mothers,
People make mistakes,
Holding to their own,
Thinking they're alone.
Honor their mistakes,
Everybody makes--
One another's terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right, Giants can be good.
You decide what's right; you decide what's good
Just remember:
Someone is on your side (our side),
Someone else is not.
While we're seeing our side,
Maybe we forgot: they are not alone.
No one is alone.
Hard to see the light now.
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now.
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side,
No one is alone.

This Sickness is Not Unto Death - Part 2

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

I want to focus Part 2 on the immense outpouring of love and service we received throughout this experience. (Part 3 will cover Will's waking up.) The above scripture perfectly captures how I feel about my ward (local congregation). Or, more accurately, what our ward has done helped me to understand this scripture so much better. People in the LDS Church often refer to their ward as their "ward family" -- that term will never mean the same thing to me again. I want to clarify that I do not think this kind of reaction to someone in need is exclusive to the LDS Church - nor that every ward in the LDS Church would necessarily demonstrate such overwhelming support (though I believe the large majority would). Regardless of religion, however, pondering on my experience makes me wonder what I do when the proverbial rubber meets the road; when others around me are in need (of any nature), how do I respond? And my response prior to this experience may have been very different than it will be in the future, since I know that if I don't let the love I experienced change me fundamentally, then miracles have been wasted.

The afternoon of that day (still on Labor Day) was spent taking visits to Will's room (only two of us were permitted in there at a time usually) and talking in the family consultation room. Our neighbor, K, who had been watching our kids, brought A and BabyG in the late afternoon so that I could nurse BabyG, who had never been away from me that long during the day before and was understandably distraught. K told us that our bishop's daughters had come over to help her watch the kids. She said her phone almost immediately started ringing off the hook with people calling to ask how they could help. One sister on the phone overheard K talking to the kids about putting batteries in a toy that LG wanted to play with, and she told K, "I am at the store -- what kind of batteries do you need? I will bring them over." While BabyG nursed at the hospital, our neighbor took out a notebook and got more information about our kids' different allergies and what we typically fed them. People had signed up to bring us dinner each night through Friday, and to watch our kids (all four of them together, in AM and PM shifts) through Friday (including K's volunteering to pick LG up on Tuesday and Thursday from his AM sitter to take him to preschool, and returning him to his PM sitter afterwards - having to put his car seat in her car with all of that both times!), as well. We ended up packing lunches to take with the kids each day, and the dinners brought to us were gluten-free for Celiacs (Alena and her girls), and dairy/peanut free for LG and BabyG. We were an extremely difficult combination of dietary restrictions to follow! All the meals were delicious and filling, and we had leftovers each day to contribute to the kids' lunches for the following day.

Around 5, we went home to get the kids fed and to bed. Our home teacher had told me before he left us at the hospital that he left the back door unlocked and the Relief Society may or may not have come in and cleaned our house, noting with a smile, "I can't be held responsible for any of that." When we got home, the entire house had been tidied; toys put away, counters cleared, beds made pristinely. I think they did laundry. They scrubbed all three bathrooms from top to bottom. They organized the fridge! They took out the trash. They cleaned the microwave inside and out, and cleaned the stove. I was just amazed and so humbled at this significant gesture. I had been told that our neighbor across the street had been over to our house within 10 minutes of our leaving and was taking care of weeds in the driveway, and that the Young Men and their leaders showed up soon after and mowed and cared for the front and back yards. When we had gotten out of Alena's van, the same neighbor from across the street pulled me aside and noted that several men had talked about wanting to work together to finish the playset area of the backyard that Will had been working on; he told me to think (when I had time) about what we'd want done there and to let him know. After all of the ordeal was over, this neighbor came over to talk to Will and told him not to worry about our lawn care for the rest of the season; he has been over here on various days, mowing the yard, treating for weeds, and working on our sprinklers. Several ward members have come over in the past week or two to work on the playset in the backyard.

Back to Monday night: a feast waited for us on the kitchen table. Chicken, cut-up watermelon that was so sweet it tasted like candy (BabyG inhaled that stuff!), hot corn on the cob, cut-up fresh fruit, fresh grapes and peaches from someone's garden, I think 3 dozen cookies (not kidding) of four different varieties. In addition, there were cut-up veggies in the fridge, a honeydew melon, an extra jug of almond milk, a giant package of hotdogs for the kids (with buns also on the kitchen table). The love this all demonstrated was so humbling.

I took melatonin (we'd given some to the kids) in hopes that it would help me sleep that night, but my racing mind was stronger than the medication, and ended up just making my heart feel weird while I spent an almost-sleepless night replaying all of the events of the day in my head.

Tuesday morning, our next door neighbor dropped by a tupperware full of freshly made quinoa, a pseudo-grain that is OK for celiacs. This neighbor had woken up with a feeling that she should make this for us, and had had the impression to leave it unseasoned. This small act meant more to our family than she could possibly have known; to Alena, it was heaven-sent comfort food for herself and her daughters, and she had enough to season some with salt/pepper for her girls' chicken for lunch, and do the rest with sugar/cinnamon for breakfast. These tender mercies were frequent reminders that the Lord was aware of us and was bringing us comfort.

That day, I spent several hours typing up most of Monday's events on my iPad next to Will's hospital bed as he remained in his coma, seemingly dozens of cords and tubes coming out of him, his hands (of course) ice cold, and periodic beepings sounding from his various monitors. He had what seemed like six or seven different bags of fluids hooked up to him that the nurses periodically had to change out. The doctors told us that at 3PM (the 24-hr mark) they would begin slowly warming his body back up, a quarter of a degree per hour, until he would reach normal body temperature at about 7AM the following morning. At that time, they would take him off sedation and the paralytic and see what would happen. They reminded us to keep our expectations low, since it well could be several days before he would actually move at all (let alone wake up and talk to us). Ali, our cousin, went to our house to get the kids fed with the dinner that had been brought over, and I met her there afterwards to help get them to bed. LG was so excited to tell me about his first day of preschool -- he had some paperwork to show me from his book bag, and he was excited for Thursday when he could go back.

This picture was taken at my request by LG's morning sitter before he left for preschool, since Will and I missed that milestone

I brought some dinner back to the hospital (Ali stayed at the house) for Minnie and Alena and saw that Jeana (another of Will's sisters) had arrived from Idaho in my absence. She is a nurse, and was extremely helpful in getting information we needed or making things happen to help Will (and the rest of us!) stay comfortable. We decided to all go home and get some sleep that night, since they would wake Will up early in the morning and it would be a major day for all of us. So we left the hospital I think close to midnight and headed home.

Other acts of service and kindness that we have received throughout this experience:

- I think within a couple hours, our names were submitted (probably several times over!) to prayer rolls at dozens of different temples. These, along with what must have been thousands of prayers being said for us throughout the country (and beyond), created an almost tangible blanket of warmth around us, especially on Monday and Tuesday when things would otherwise have been so frightening. I felt anesthetized to fear or hopelessness; instead, my emotions rode calmly on a smooth course -- never letting my hopes get up too high, but at the same time never feeling despair or entertaining any "what if" scenarios. The phrase "perfect love casteth out all fear" (Moroni 8:16) has since come to my mind, and I have realized that that "perfect love" does not necessarily need to originate from within oneself, but can also be manifested TO a person and remove fear just as effectively.

- Our bishop came to the hospital several times to check on Will and all of us. His visits were never just "dropping in" - he stayed at least an hour each time.

- Around Friday or Saturday, the Relief Society president texted me to see if there was anything else at all that I needed. I was running low on bananas, and babyfood for BabyG, and asked if she or someone wouldn't mind picking up some for us at the store. She accepted with enthusiasm, and the asked-for items were on our kitchen table that evening.

- Will's and my employers sent lovely flowers and cards, and even stuffed animals for LG and BabyG. So thoughtful!

- After Will was home and recuperating, ward members signed up for three more days of meals and child-watching to help me ease back into normalcy.

- Will's cousin, Merrill, flew out from Florida to spend time with him when he was home recuperating.

- An angelic couple made a short visit to our home that included an unexpected and incredibly generous financial gift to assist with medical expenses. We were blown away.

- Just last week (when things have really calmed down), a sister in our ward dropped by a meal to our house. She had not been assigned or received any request to do so, but just wanted to help and figured it would make life easier for me (which it did!). That gesture touched me so deeply. Even yesterday, another sister brought over a fresh-baked loaf of bread.

"And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; 

"Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

"Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

"And now when the people had heard these words, they clapped their hands for joy, and exclaimed: This is the desire of our hearts." Mosiah 18:8-11 (emphasis added)

This Sickness is Not Unto Death - Part 1

"This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby." John 11:4

Family Picture, taken by Ann Caballero. 6/6/13

Monday morning, September 2nd, started out like a normal holiday-type day. I got up and nursed BabyG (age 16 months), then fed her some breakfast. LG (age 3.5) woke up, and Alena's kids (Alena is Will's older sister; her kids staying with us were A, age 8, and D, age 4) came up from the basement, and for a little while I sat with BabyG on my lap and the rest of the kids next to me and we watched cute cat and puppy shows on YouTube. LG and Alena's girls then went into his room to play, and I carried BabyG down the hall to do something in her room (turn off her fan? close her door? Don't know). I was going to shut the door to Will's and my room so he wouldn't hear the kids across the hall, but I peeked in and saw his eyes open. So I carried BabyG in and tucked us under the covers next to Will for a cuddle. She laid her head down on both of us in her characteristically affectionate way. I asked Will what our plan should be that day, and I think he responded with a "what do you think?" kind of response. We didn't have an opportunity to discuss it more, because tired BabyG had a very limited attention span for cuddling. So I got up and started her naptime routine. 

After she was down, I warmed up a leftover pancake for LG and got him eating. At some point, I went back in to our room to cuddle with William again (thank goodness), but hearing D repeatedly tell LG, "Leave me ALONE!," I figured I'd better head back to the kitchen to keep the peace. Back in the kitchen, I worked on making a fresh batch of maple syrup, and put some on a couple pancakes for myself. It was around 9:45AM, and I think I was just getting ready to do dishes, or pour the syrup into a canning jar or something, when I heard Will make a noise from the hall bathroom and then heard a very big thud. The noise he made sounded like he might have tripped on something that hurt badly (he had just tripped on Sunday on an alphabet magnet the kids had left on the floor in the kitchen), but the thud definitely sounded like a bad fall, so I ran in, saying, "Are you okay?"

My mind (as of writing this all down initially, which was the following day) has already started to block out the memory of that entire time by his side. It gets progressively harder to picture it and re-live it, so it is vital that I try to get it down before it's gone. Will was on his back, his legs and feet folded awkwardly next to the bathroom counter, his head just over the threshold into the hallway. He was looking behind his shoulder to the right. I don't remember what I said, but I was talking to him as if he would respond normally any second--I thought he'd just had a bad fall and was temporarily stunned. But as each moment passed, I noticed more. He was groaning/moaning oddly, his hands were stiffly and awkwardly pulled up by his shoulders, and he wouldn't look at me (though his eyes were open). He was writhing slowly, and at one point tried to pull himself up towards me. My questions to him quickly turned more manic and I think I started shouting at him to tell me what was going on. Still no response, still not looking at me but up behind his right shoulder. I finally realized how serious his situation was and started shouting at A (who was at the kitchen table eating breakfast) to go get Alena and have her call 911. I called that once or twice, then yelled for someone to get my phone on the coffee table (since I couldn't hear any response to what I was saying). I knew I should just jump up and go get it myself, but I was glued to Will's side and couldn't find the will power to tear myself away, even for a moment. Then Will started turning blue all over his face and moving less and less. I kept yelling for help, and then Alena was there in her garments, phone in hand. 

She took one look at Will and she was very pale and scared, but she was calm. She got on the line with the dispatcher, and said we needed 911 here right away. Around this time, Will seemed to sigh and just be gone. Alena held up the phone to my ear for me to give our address, which I had to do two separate times. I was sitting by Will's right side in the entryway of the bathroom. He then took a big breath in, followed by a long, long pause, then another breath. Alena described what was going on to the dispatcher, who had her count in between breaths (she got to the count of 9).

I had just recertified in CPR less than a year ago. I knew I should be doing something, but I just had no presence of mind. I was in complete disbelief that any of this could be happening; Will was absolutely fine just seconds ago, and here he was, looking like he was dead. I had thoughts racing through my head about suddenly becoming a widow, being left alone with two small children, and not having Will there with me to raise them. Especially with some of the harder trials I'd recently been experiencing with parenthood, I knew I was in no way ready to be put in that position.

A had let LG out of his high chair and he came over, close enough to see everything going on, but keeping his distance out of fear. He was especially bothered at my behavior, I could tell. He was still in his monkey jammies, with his green rubber bib still on. He was asking what was going on, and I was trying to get him to go in the other room so he didn't have to see all of this. He jumped up and down, whining in protest, refusing to leave. Alena leaned over and gave Will a breath - his chest rose with no resistance whatsoever. I asked if I should do compressions, and she and I were getting started with that when Minnie (Will's mom) answered the front door for the police, saying we were down the hallway. I called them over, and they had us move out of the way. I could hear an ambulance siren on its way, and thought fleetingly how I'd never had an ambulance come to my house in my whole life. Everything felt like an awful nightmare that couldn't possibly be actually happening.

Minnie had run downstairs to get her clothes on and grab some for Alena. She gave Alena's clothes to her, and I picked up LG and Alena had us go into LG's room just across the hall from where the police were working on Will. Alena said a prayer, and I finally started crying. LG told me forcefully to stop crying, and I tried to explain that I was very scared. At some point, I started hearing BabyG whining in her crib from the next room (I am sure my yells for Alena earlier must have woken her). Alena told me to stay away from what was going on, so I walked around the room with LG.

Looking out LG's window, I noticed two police cars parked outside our house, one double-parked next to the other behind our truck near the sidewalk. Either just before or while I was watching, the ambulance and a firetruck pulled up in the road in front of our driveway. Some neighbors were already coming towards our house (I would mention names, but I don't want to leave anyone out. I can recall eight specific individuals, but there may have been more). One of them saw me through the window and asked if I was okay. I opened the window and told them briefly that Will had fallen and wasn't breathing. She asked what they could do, and I just blurted out, "Pray!" She or someone asked if he needed a blessing, and I nodded furiously.

During all of this, the officers had taken Will out into the family room, shoving the coffee table out of the way so they could work on him. The officers, by the way, had jumped right into taking over CPR from Alena, which we heard later from one of the paramedics who arrived on the scene is quite unusual for them to do the CPR as rigorously as it needs to be done. He said these officers saved Will's life. Alena said they were "taking [Will] to the floor" with the CPR. The fire department brought in a defibrillator and shocked Will four times before they got him back. We were later told that they normally don't work on someone as long as they did on Will.

Officers Uipi (left) and Newell (right)

Paramedic Firefighter Devan Tandy, Will, Fire Captain Jeremy Millet, and Alena. Not pictured are Paramedic Firefighters Chad Frisby and Kagen Knudsen - we'll try to get a picture with them later!

Alena told me they were getting ready to take Will to the hospital, and that I should get dressed. She also said one of the neighbors would be taking all of our kids so they could stay together, so to get everything we needed for them. I brought LG into my room, threw on some clothes, and brushed my teeth. Then we crossed back into LG's room and Minnie and I changed him out of his jammies. We had to have officer permission/escort to move around the house, and tried to gather BabyG's diapers, diaperbag, my keys/wallet, some baby food. I think I already had picked BabyG up from her crib by then. I tried to explain to LG that he was going to go play with his cousins while I went to the hospital with daddy. He asked me, "Why did William fall down?" I think he used Will's name in an attempt to be brave and grown-up amid all the confusion.

When we came outside, the ambulance had already taken Will away. Our neighbor took the kids and we confirmed that we wanted all of them kept together, so that A could look out for the little ones, and so that they all had each other for familiarity.

All the kids at Jungle Jim's in Murray - 8/7/2013

G and A at my grandparents' cabin - late June 2013

LG and D at my grandparents' cabin - late June 2013

 I was hugged and loved by neighbor after neighbor after neighbor, sobbing into each one's shoulder, regaining composure, then sobbing again with the next one. I felt loved and supported and scared and shocked. I tried calling my mom (10:22AM). Then we (Alena, Minnie, and I) said a prayer together and headed over to the hospital. As we drove away, I could see our Relief Society president talking with some of the sisters - I didn't realize at the time that they were probably already game-planning and organizing the immense charity about to be poured out freely upon the Cosman household.

The hospital is only about a 4-5 minute drive (from garage to parking spot) from our house. We parked outside the ER and went in, quickly met by the social worker (so kind!) and joined by two of our male neighbors, dressed in Sunday clothes and prepared to give whatever blessings were needed (they had not been permitted in the house and had been told to meet us at the ER). Our bishop came soon thereafter, and then my brother, Wilson, arrived. We waited for some time for them to let us see Will in the ER. I made phonecalls to my brother, Bryce, to inform my parents (after trying them and not reaching them) and other siblings, then called Will's work and my work. Our neighbors and bishop gave me a blessing before Wilson arrived, and within an hour of that I was no longer feeling panicky and was able to calm down and breathe.

When they finally let us in to see Will, it was probably after 11 or 11:30. He was shaking ALL OVER - as if he were being electrocuted. The doctor was telling us things (no memory of what besides that Will had suffered cardiac arrest), and finally let me take Will's hand and talk to him. I told him I was here, and to try to relax and stay with us. He just was shaking and shaking like crazy. He pulled my hand in close to his chest, which made me catch my breath and cry, "Oh, I love you, William!" - I told the doctors that later and they said it was probably just a reflex, but Alena and others with me saw it happen and know otherwise. The doctor pulled Minnie, Alena and me out to tell us he was going to try to take Will off sedation to see if he could respond to some commands, and if Will did not, they would have to cool his body (into a coma, to protect his brain and heart and give them time to recover) for 24 hours. While we were out with the doctor, Wilson gave Will a blessing, which I was told (since I wasn't in the room) included saying that Will would be comforted to whatever degree he was conscious of what was happening, and that he would make a quick and full recovery if it was the Lord's will (thank you, Wilson!). Alena and I hung back from the others returning to the waiting room as they took Will off sedation, and I heard the doctor shout at him, "Will, open your eyes!" Alena hung back longer than I did, and I asked her when we got back to the waiting room if she could tell if Will had responded, and she said she didn't think so because she heard them talk about starting the cooling process.

One of our home teachers had joined us by then and let me know he was there to be our errand runner for the day. He asked if he could get us some food, and I wasn't even sure how to answer. He asked, "when did you last eat?" and I said I did have breakfast. He was such an angel--I don't recall the sequencing, but he took three separate trips just while we were in the ER waiting room: one to get us food, one to get our cell phone chargers at the house, and one to get Will's medical history, a few medications he might have taken recently, and my iPad from the house.

Eventually, they took us (Alena, Minnie, Bishop, Wilson, and me, joined later by our home teacher) up to the waiting room for the ICU. We met there with two heart doctors - Dr. Pearce, who works on the "plumbing" side of cardiac issues, and Dr. Wang, who works on the "electrical" side. They said Will's problem was definitely electrical. Dr. Wang sat down and asked us a lot of questions about what happened and potential causes for what had occurred. At some point, Dr. Pearce came in and let us know that a chest x-ray had shown that Will's left lung had collapsed, and they needed to take care of that right away. It may have occurred from the CPR, or from when they put the central line in (it might have gone in too far and punctured his lung), but that it was a serious problem and needed to be addressed right away. I gave verbal consent, and he returned after the procedure was finished and had me sign off on the consent paperwork.

I am going to close this first part of our story with some thoughts on ways I knew (along with Alena and Minnie), even at this time, that the Lord's hand was guiding this entire situation.

- Having Minnie and Alena staying with us during the time of this emergency was a godsend. I certainly hope I would have shaken myself out of my paralysis by Will's side in the bathroom to call 911 and start CPR, but precious seconds would have been lost that may well have made the difference between life and death (I am grateful I never have to find out what would have happened). Minnie had been in Utah (visiting from Indiana) since late July, visiting us, Alena, and her own sisters. She was most recently staying with Alena in Stansbury Park, and Alena and I had texted about getting together over Labor Day weekend. On Thursday, Alena let me know they wanted to come down Friday night and just stay at our house the whole weekend, if that was okay with us. Of course, we were delighted, and when she mentioned she would bring A and D, I had no qualms; we'd had a vacation and playdates together, and so our kids all knew each other and got along pretty well. I found out later that Minnie had felt impressed to come. And that Alena asked if Minnie wanted some time alone with us, but Minnie felt Alena should be there. And that Alena didn't want to bring her kids but felt she should. All feelings were inspired ones. Having A there was crucial to calm BabyG at other people's houses, since BabyG had never been away from me for more than a couple hours during the day. And besides what could have happened to Will, it was such a blessing to have immediate hugs and support inside my house, since the policemen were forbidding anyone else from entering.

- The fact that this happened on a holiday, when everyone was home and available to help us out.

- The police officers were probably at our house within five minutes of Will's falling. Like I said earlier, one of the paramedics told us how lucky we were to get officers that performed CPR with the rigor needed. In addition, the paramedics were there very quickly afterwards and were extremely prepared and well-trained.

- Talking in the hospital, Alena pointed out that she heard the sound of Will falling in the bathroom from where she and Minnie were downstairs, but that if I hadn't called A to go get her, she would have just attributed it to kids horsing around. This made me realize that Will might well have fallen in our bedroom, or our master bathroom, where I might not have heard it happen or realized how serious it was. Or, he might have had the cardiac arrest occur while he was lying in bed. In any of those cases, it likely would have been too late to save him once I would have found him.

- Each night before bed, I read a General Conference talk in conjunction with my scripture study. I just go through talks from the most recent conference sequentially, and before I clicked the "Next" button from the previous day's talk on my iPad, I knew without a doubt in my mind that it would be something that would directly apply to my situation and bring me comfort. Sure enough, it was a talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook on finding peace through disastrous circumstances. For those who missed it, I used the following quote in my Facebook status that evening to update our friends and loved ones on what had occurred: ""Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life's devastating trials and tragedies."

Will must still have an important purpose to fulfill in this lifetime, and this needed to occur for God to be able to change us in the ways we need to be changed (since we will never be the same!). As I posted on Facebook that evening, He made sure I knew He was involved in this from the start, which gave me so much peace along with all the other blessings I received throughout this ordeal (which I'll detail more in Part 2). That night, in my personal prayer before bed, I prayed that Will would be healed, but if not, that we would all have the strength to endure the trial ahead.

Will and Minnie in the ICU

I read this scripture in 3 Nephi 22 (verses 6-8) the week after all of this occurred, and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer."

Sleep problems, as usual

So apparently, with rare exception, I only blog when I am having parenting problems. Honestly, I have thought of posting about this for a couple weeks, but have held off because I felt like I should be able to muddle through it on my own. But things are only getting worse, so any help I can get would be appreciated. If you know someone who has had a similar problem, please forward this post to him/her for me.

Some of you may remember my FB status from a few months ago about taking LG off the multivitamin, and the wonderful changes that had on his behavior. I still stand by that experience. We had a solid month or so of improved behavior. And I reference that to substantiate that I know my son, and I know when he is "just being three" and when something else is going on. We are back to having behavior problems. I know the culprit this time - he needs 12 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period to be baseline well-behaved, 13 to be happy and helpful. For the past several weeks, he's been getting around 10. I am not sure what started it all (sickness, vacation, family staying over...they all may have been factors), but it has led to a vicious cycle of poor sleep, and his overtiredness seems to cause him to sleep even poorer. Here are things we either have always done and/or have tried to address this all:

1. Bedtime routine - Brush teeth, go potty, jammies, scriptures, family prayer, three stories, personal prayer, last-chance-potty, hugs and kisses, then he turns on his light show (lights and music), and we check on him 15-20 minutes later (when he often has already fallen asleep and is out cold). The light show-check-on-him routine seems to work as a transition time for him to calm down enough to fall asleep. The whole routine from the brushing teeth probably takes 45 minutes, give or take 15 depending on the night.

2. I wondered if this was an eating-too-much-processed-food problem, so I replaced the breakfast cereal with smoothies (OJ, flaxseed meal, spinach, banana, strawberries, blueberries), and replaced the lunchmeat sandwiches with sunflower seed butter and honey sandwiches (I tried adding variety to lunch but LG is addicted to the sunflower seed butter now and asks for it every day). I try to do healthy dinners. When he is really acting out, he doesn't get a treat for dessert, so he has been having a lot less sugar the past week or two, too.

3. I've tried to give him more one-on-one time with me this past week, and really engaging with him better during that time.

4. We've taken him to parks to get his energy out (finally got the playset set up in the backyard last night, thanks to the help of several neighbors and ward members!).

5. Nighttime potty training - he was recently waking up at least 1-2 times a night to use the potty, and was afraid to go without us, so he would wake us up each time. We have trained him this past week to go by himself at night - he is doing better, but I don't think he is going back to sleep afterwards. He turns on his lightshow and often gets up again in half an hour or so. We have tried limiting the water he drinks before bed and during the night.

6. Kids' Mellow - saw an ad for this at Sprouts market a few days ago; it's an herbal blend of chamomile, valerian root, and a couple other things that is supposed to help calm down children and help them relax. I was skeptical, but willing to try anything. I haven't really noticed much of a difference.

7. The problem most of the time seems to center around waking up in the night or waking up too early, rather than going to bed to begin with - we have tried using a little bunny nightlight that has a sleeping bunny and an awake bunny. LG knows that when the bunny is sleeping he needs to be in bed. When it is awake he can get up. But he still gets up and stays up in the morning, as I've mentioned. I have tried a reward system the past 5-7 nights or so where if he doesn't wake us up and goes right back to bed after going potty during the night, he can earn a Hotwheels car. He has only earned one car so far. He REALLY wants cars, so I am not sure what could possibly motivate him more as a reward than that.

One thing I have not successfully been able to implement is an earlier bedtime. I aim for 6:30. I can't really justify starting dinner for the family earlier than 5, though, and dinner typically takes an hour (or more). That, with the bedtime routine, and the fact that Will often isn't home before the kids are about to be in bed (so I'm getting them both ready by myself, which takes even longer) means he typically goes to bed around 7:30.

The behavior is really wearing me down. Hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, melting down, just about anything can flare up at the slightest hint of things not going the way he wants. He is aggressive towards BabyG, as well. He doesn't think rationally like he would when he has slept well, so time-outs or lost treats don't dissuade him at all, and when the punishment occurs, it only sets him off to worse behavior. Trust me, I have tried to be positive, and to shower him with praise when he does well. I try to make sure to cuddle him and reassure him of my love several times a day. I am working on better self-control so that I am a good example for him (with prayer, I am able to hold it together well enough most days, but it gets increasingly difficult). I have fasted about all of this. I have worked to be better with my personal scripture study so that I can be more receptive to guidance. I realize that this problem is more about me learning to be less selfish and become a better parent than it is about any "problems" with LG. And I know that tantrums and behavior problems are normal for a three-year old. But I still feel like I might be missing something and would love to hear any ideas or suggestions. (For those who do 6:30 bedtimes, for instance, how do you do it?)

My Experience with Natural Childbirth

Some people may wonder why I chose to attempt to give birth naturally (no drugs). If someone had told my eight-year-old self I would want/attempt to do that, I would have snorted derisively. I recall my mom telling me about childbirth around that age, and I had responded by swearing never to have any kids to put myself through something like that. However, once I became pregnant with LG, I started being interested in natural childbirth - probably due to my SIL's (Alena, a traditional midwife) belief in it. I didn't prepare adequately for that with him, though, so I ended up with an induction and an epidural. I decided to do Hypnobabies with BabyG, and it involved a LOT of preparation. My desire, though, was to EXPERIENCE this most mortal of experiences - to allow my body to do what it had been created to do with little to no intervention at all. I wanted that to be a gift to BabyG, and I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it. In retrospect, I am SO grateful I did it. BabyG is so robust and healthy, and I attribute that to my eating healthily and exercising consistently while pregnant, and to not being induced.

A quick explanation of Hypnobabies. I did the self-study program, which includes 6 CDs and a study book. You listen to one CD every night (each one is about 30-40 minutes long), during which you practice going into deep hypnosis and complete relaxation. You must start at least 5 weeks before your due date (I think I started around 8 weeks before). It definitely took a large chunk of time each night, but considering it was focusing on relaxation, it was not unpleasant beyond simply being time consuming. You’re supposed to practice entering hypnosis without the CDs several times a day…I could never get myself to work that into my life somehow. The point of the program is to basically reprogram your mindset about labor and delivery to think about it positively and to expect it to be pleasant, beautiful and pain-free. Yes, you kind of have to take that with a grain of salt. But I truly believe that the more you put in to it (or “give in” to it!), the more effective it will be. I think putting that much time, preparation, and thought in to readying yourself for childbirth – in and of itself – is incredibly helpful. The Hypnobabies program also has short lessons you read (one a week) to educate you on health, birthing plans, etc. I liked how it forced me to think about things ahead of time and make some decisions. Not that everything will go according to plan (does it ever?), but it helps to think things through and have an opinion formed, then prepare to be flexible based on circumstances!

I’ll go through the birth story momentarily, but to get to the heart of my experience, I do think that (a) Hypnobabies gave me the tools and skills to give birth naturally (mainly by practicing and engraining relaxation and positivity into my brain so that labor could progress quickly and smoothly), and (b) that natural childbirth was a fantastic experience for me. Yes, it was still very painful and difficult – but only for about two hours. And at the end of those two hours I felt empowered. I felt the “fullness” of my womanhood, if that makes sense. I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment – probably greater than any other goal I’ve ever met. And the icing on the cake: I felt great! Nurses in the newborn unit claimed I didn’t look like I’d just given birth (maybe they were just being nice, but still). I had no tearing (I’d done perineal massage in the weeks leading up to the birth). Compare that to LG’s birth, where the pain lasted 7+ hours and once I’d received an epidural, LG’s and my heart rate plummeted and I had to be put on oxygen… yeah. I’ll take Door #2, thank you very much.

On to the birth story. I was due on May 5th. The evening of May 2nd, we watched We Bought a Zoo. Alena took a tummy pic of me (she and Will’s mom had been staying with us for the past week or more in preparation for the birth – Alena was reprising her role as my doula for this second birth). I went to bed and then woke up around 2:30, right when Will and everyone were going to bed - which was lucky, because my water broke in the bathroom (déjà vu!) and I didn't know how I'd alert any of them for help/guidance. Alena recommended I go back to bed and try to sleep. I tried to relax but was having trouble (fancy that!), so I put on some relaxing music and was eventually able to sleep a bit. I'd have contractions here and there, but they'd let up to let me sleep for chunks of time.

I woke up around the time LG woke up (8:15ish), and decided I wouldn't be sleeping anymore. Will took LG to daycare and I got out of bed for my morning prayer. I remember mentioning my gratitude for the experience I was about to have, and asking for perspective to appreciate the opportunity to experience it. I felt ready to embrace whatever would happen that day. I got up and got our green shakes ready, then had a shower and listened to my Birthing Affirmations track for the first time. It was a good confidence booster to help me approach the day positively. My contractions had been becoming "crampy," and I found it felt good to sway back and forth when they came on. I didn't feel BabyG moving around quite as much, but did feel her moving and wasn't particularly concerned that she was having any kind of trouble.

I called my mom at 10:47 (yes, that’s the exact time according to the cell phone record. I wrote this birth story within a week or so of the birth and thought it would be helpful to note the times of these phone calls for context) and let her know what was going on (sitting Indian style on the floor just as a different position for a bit). Then I got up and had some cereal while I still felt like eating. I then started sweeping the laminate (I hadn't swept and mopped in AGES!), talking to Alena and Will's mom here and there about how things were progressing. I started asking Alena when we should call the midwife around 11:15. I had to lean against a wall a few times to relax through some contractions, but besides that I was laughing and feeling really good and positive. I started mopping, and had to lean on the mop or even go down on hands and knees to get through some contractions.

Finally, we had Will call the midwife (I think it was around 12 or 12:30). I had gotten my birthing ball out and was beginning to have to moan to get through the contractions. Will asked if he had time to shower or if we should just go, and I said we definitely needed to go. My mom had called in the middle of one contraction, then called again at 1:07 and this time I answered (I was in between contractions) and let her know the update. The contractions were starting to get much more powerful and closer together. I mentioned to Alena that I was worried about giving birth in the car and wanted to get going. Will gave me a blessing before we left, talking about focusing on BabyG and on the Spirit throughout the process - to remember and recognize the significance of what was happening despite how challenging things would be. I remember dreading the ride to the hospital and starting to feel anxious about the progression of the labor and the likelihood that things would get worse and had a ways yet to go.

Will got me in the car and I leaned over my doubled-up body pillow and began listening to my Easy First Stage track of Hypnobabies on headphones. It did succeed in calming me down and helping me relax for a while – I actually didn't even need to moan through most of the van ride. I felt the van move as we headed to the hospital and kept a small part of my mind open to where we were on our way there, but I tried to focus on the instructions I was hearing and force myself to relax. As we got 4-5 minutes away it got harder and harder. I was also burning up, but didn't want to pull myself out of hypnosis to ask for more air (when I told Alena about that afterwards, she said I was likely overheating because I was in Transition stage). Alena pulled up in front of the hospital, and Will ran in to get a wheelchair for me. Each time we had to make a change of the current situation (moving from one position or place to another), I felt a sense of panic - I wanted to stay put to focus through contractions, and was nervous about what any changes would bring on for me. But each time, I tried to recognize that I didn't really have a choice and might as well move forward.

The nurse pushed me into the hospital and to the elevator. I heard her making small talk with Will and at one point felt her squeeze my shoulder reassuringly. I was hunched over the side of the chair, still hugging my pillows. It was getting harder to listen to the Hypnobabies as I heard conversations going on around me. They got me into the triage room and told me to put on the hospital gown. Then, the nurse bluntly told me to get on the bed so she could check me and so they could put the baby monitor on. I shook my head and said I didn't want to get in the bed. The nurse (who was not the most polite human being) insisted, so I got on and tried to breathe and relax through being checked. I heard laughter and all kinds of noisy conversation out in the hallway - not cool! The nurse said I was a 7 or an 8 - that was a huge relief to me to hear, since with LG I'd been stuck at a 5 for forever. I had a few contractions on the bed and sat up through them. At home and right now, Alena was helping apply pressure to my back and/or hips to help ease the back labor, which helped a lot at times.

Then they told me to walk to my labor and delivery room. Seriously?? Walk?!? I balked at the idea. But they said it was just around the corner, and again I recognized that I didn’t really have a choice. So they draped a sheet around me and walked with me to the room. When we got to the room, I started to REALLY dread what was coming and wonder if I could make it through the experience ahead. In hindsight, all the changes I dreaded throughout the experience were probably helping me progress substantially in dilating and in BabyG dropping - walking to the van, sitting there and in the wheelchair and in the bed, kneeling on the floor, walking in the hospital, sitting on the toilet, and then going to kneel on the floor (and then kneel in the bed). A new nurse had joined us and very testily insisted that we get the monitor on this baby RIGHT NOW. I remember saying, "I'm trying!" (as in, what more do you want me to do??). By this time, the contractions were coming fast and furious and I started crying. Will asked if I wanted the Hypnobabies on the headphones and I hurriedly told him to put it on the speakers so I didn't have to use the headphones. Once it was on, I wondered why in the world we bothered having it because it was just added noise/confusion to the environment.

I was clutching a pillow in front of me (they'd recommended I get on the bed when I'd originally knelt on the floor by the bed - then they tried to get me to shift whenever I wasn't mid-contraction so that I'd be in a good position). I was SO HOT I could barely stand it, and was wondering if they in fact had AC in the hospital. At some point, the midwife, Claudia, came in (she was in the midst of an extremely busy birthing day at the hospital). She seemed very pleased with how things were progressing. Alena was giving me pep talks, and I remember at some point looking for Will and asking him to hold my hand - I needed his reassurance that I was doing okay, because I was increasingly feeling a loss of control. I was sobbing through the contractions and felt rather humiliated that I wasn't being calm and confident like I'd tried to prepare to be (though Alena has since said I did a fantastic job). The thought did cross my mind a few fleeting moments that perhaps an epidural wouldn't be such a bad idea, but I tried to ignore those thoughts.

The only picture I have with Claudia, my midwife (in yellow). I look so calm, haha!

Claudia then started talking to me about pushing - one of the first things she said was that I could potentially get BabyG out with the next contraction if I pushed. I thought to myself, "yeah, right!" - it was incomprehensible to me that I could be ready to start pushing. I felt no need/desire to push and didn't think we'd progressed that far (I had thought we had hours ahead of us still). One or two contractions passed without my acting on their suggestions, but then Alena started reassuring me that I could start pushing if I felt like it. I tried to explain that I didn't feel like we were at that point yet, but no one seemed to believe me - so I took that as a sign that I guessed they knew and I didn't. This experience demonstrates to me what King Benjamin meant in Mosiah 3:19 about becoming like a little child: “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” What Claudia and Alena were telling me at that point didn't make sense to me, and was scary to me - but I knew that they could see what I couldn't see and that I had to trust them and their judgment. So I started pushing.

Looking less calm, but being held together by wonderful Alena.

I had to practically yell through the pushes to deal with the pain. I was surprised to find that I did get a few breaks here and there, but spent the entirety of them hyperventilating and panicking about the returning pain (saying "I can't do this!" repeatedly). Claudia talked about starting to see BabyG, so I pushed harder. Finally, I could feel myself stretching as she prepared to come out, and then there was a NEW pain to discover. :) Not pleasant, man. I wanted that OVER with, and felt there was no way she was going to fit through the opening she was attempting to exit. At this point, I think my brain practically turned off so that I could devote all energy and focus to getting through the next few minutes and getting BabyG here.

Finally (FINALLY – and it’s a bit ironic I say that, since we got to the hospital around 2 and BabyG was born at 2:45), I felt the enormously relieving, slippery-slideyness of her leaving me, and they immediately passed her up to me. She was covered in white goopiness but was red and wriggling, full of life and perfect in every way. With the birth having gone so smoothly and simply, they helped me turn around and let me hold her skin-to-skin right away (and for a long time). The midwife noticed that there was a "true knot" in the cord, meaning sometime during the pregnancy, BabyG had moved around and gotten it tied up - apparently that could have been extremely dangerous...thank goodness nothing bad came of it! The midwife seemed pretty surprised about it. Apparently the cord was quite long. They clamped it on both ends (it had stopped pulsating relatively quickly), and Will cut it. And I just held her and looked at her and marveled at the miracle in which I'd just taken part.

With one of my nurses (on the left), Will and Alena.

Relieved that it's all over!

My wee darlin'.

And there you have it. On my postpartum visit to the midwife clinic, the midwife I met (not Claudia) said that Claudia had said I was a rockstar in my labor, or something like that. So it sounds like all things considered, I did pretty well. BabyG was 8 lbs 6 oz when she was born, so she wasn’t petite or anything, either! I’m sure some will read this birth story and think many of the things that bothered me were due to birthing in a hospital. I’m not ready for home birth yet (it might never be something I want) – I will happily take the inconveniences I experienced for the peace of mind I personally needed from being at the hospital. I am very grateful that I’ve had Alena and midwives attend both of my children’s births, though, and can’t recommend midwives highly enough in general.

None of this is meant to brag, nor to convince anyone else to do what I did. Epidurals are wonderful things (I don’t know what I’d have done without the epidural for LG’s birth!!), and childbirth is an intensely personal experience filled with intensely personal decisions. I do write this to glory in the human body and what it can do. To note that sometimes experiencing pain (and even, in a way, embracing it) can be incredibly life affirming. And to put my experience, (with all its ups and downs) out there for those who are curious and considering natural childbirth, in case it’s helpful for anyone.

Mothering and Mattering

“What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and every day was exactly the same and nothing that you did mattered?”

“That about sums it up for me.”

Say what you will about Groundhog Day (the movie), but I continue to gain new insights to life from it. This is the one that hit me this week, for a few reasons. It has been dismally wintery outside since Christmas. The snow won't go away, and the temperatures refuse to allow me the desire or opportunity to get out much. I can much better fathom Phil's hopelessness for the first half of the film - I'm starting to go crazy and it's only been a few weeks!

I've also been feeling a bit like Phil's synopsis of his plight "sums it up for me" in my day-to-day life at the moment. Disclaimer: I'm going to be honest here, and it will sound somewhat whiney, but please be assured that I am fully aware the "problems" I have are the best kind to have. My husband, by a miracle that I'll someday have to document, has a wonderful job which enables him to support our family and grow professionally. We have a happy marriage in which we both try hard to improve and communicate, and he is a fabulously hands-on dad to our two beautiful, healthy children. What else really matters? The fact is, though, that I'm going through an enormous transition in my life, and it's okay for me to have a bit of a rough time adjusting. I felt that maybe expressing some feelings might help a bit.

Two and a half months ago, I traded (mostly) the professional world for the realm of domesticity. I knew going into this that it wouldn't be easy - I was truthfully quite intimidated to become a stay-at-home mom to two children. In my "past life," I was blessed to have a job where I felt like what I did mattered. I received gratitude, respect, and recognition from students, faculty, and administrators. I indirectly assisted in educating healthcare professionals who in turn were bettering the lives of their patients and clients around the country. I had been in that position for almost seven years (and at the university for over eight years), so I had confidence in my own abilities and knowledge.

Now, I serve three people. One big, two little. One of the littles thinks he's pretty big.

And he thinks my full-time job is to entertain him. I try to comply much of the day. We do puzzles, we learn the alphabet, we play with blocks, we color. I let him help me make dinner, sweep and mop (goodness me, that task is made much more difficult with a kiddo following you around), clean the fridge, feed the cats (Note: we don't do all of these things every day. I'm just giving examples. I am not entertaining him THIS much every day, though he wants me to). I'm trying to show him the blessings that come from working together and accomplishing things. And while we're involved in these fun or productive activities, things go well enough. But it seems (and maybe it's just me, and just part of this transition I'm going through), that if I turn my attention to anything other than him for more than ten minutes, he starts looking for any way to get that attention back - which is often through doing something he knows he shouldn't do. I'm struggling with being patient, with reacting creatively to change his focus to something else. I find myself fighting feelings of resentment, and losing motivation to engage with him. In the back of my mind, I remember that I just need to relax and make life fun and see things from his perspective. I know that this time is so fleeting and before long I'll be the one vying for his attention. But I can't deny the pouty mindset that screams, "I'm TRYING! I'm not sitting on the couch watching soaps. I'm doing my best to juggle mothering with running our home. Doesn't my effort MATTER to you, or will it never be good enough??"

In Groundhog Day, Phil learns by the end of the movie that what he does DOES matter. Not a single factor changes in Punxatawney from the time he enters the town until the movie's end, EXCEPT Phil. Yet so much positive change occurs in a single day for the rest of the townsfolk, all because a single person chooses to find ways to MAKE what he does matter. Attitude truly is everything. I know this. I can only keep doing my best to live with the right attitude, one day at a time.

Things are going to get better with time. LG will figure out what it means to be the kid versus the parent. Will will eventually start coming home before 9PM every night (poor guy), which will help us all a great deal. And I will get used to this new normal, even though it will still be difficult much of the time. BabyG doesn't need to change a thing (she's perfect), and sadly she'll be the one changing the most.

I know my struggles are not even close to unique. Most mothers probably feel the same exact way much of the time. That doesn't make any of our trials any less important, though. To bookend this post with another movie quote (this one from Ghost Town), "We just get the one life, you know. Just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters."

Non-sleeping kiddos make one harried mama

Five nights in a row now of crummy sleep. I am turning more and more into a zombie. Tons of conflicting thoughts in my head about what to do about it, or whether to do anything about it. Figured I'd just type it all out, however confusing it ends up sounding, to see if that act alone helps me find some clarity or gives me a sense of a plan to follow.

First, LG is taking at least an hour to fall asleep for naptime and for bedtime. He just changed daycares (huge adjustment!), he's still adjusting to having a baby sister and not being the sole center of our universe, and he's still a victim of the molars-that-are-taking-eighteen-months-to-come-in. In addition to the fighting sleep when it's time to sleep, he's been waking up in the middle of the night. Add to all his adjustments the fact that he's almost constantly overtired from not getting enough sleep and we have a toddler who's more often wired or melting down than one that's happy. Best I can figure this one is to just show him as much love as I can (or as I have patience for, which is difficult when I'm not sleeping either), and ride it out.

My sweet BabyG is such a wonderful baby. I can't get enough of her. And sleeping was going okay until a week ago - I would get 5 to 5.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep many nights, with just one feeding during the night. That feeding would last under 40 minutes. True, she wasn't great at napping (usually 30-40 minutes at most at a time), but she was cheerful. She got one shot (the dtap combo) and the rotavirus immunization at her 4-month visit on Monday. That night she didn't sleep great, but I attributed it to her feeling icky from the shot. Then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and now last night. Wednesday was probably the worst (think that was the night for which I posted my status message on facebook?). I can't remember the patterns from each night anymore, so let's just go with last night. Usually BabyG falls asleep fairly well around 8-9, then REALLY well after a dream feeding of sorts around 10-11. At that point, I can put her in her Tucker sling and she goes RIGHT back to sleep. Last night she woke UP around 10 and decided it was playtime. I got her to bed around 12:15. She woke up at 4:10 (I think?) - four hours was pretty good for this week! I got her back down before 5. But then she woke up at 5:50 (just put the binky back in her mouth), 6:30 (binky didn't work so I got her up to feed her), and 8 (binky didn't work again so here we are). The hourly thing is typical for this week, that much I can remember. Why is she waking on an hourly basis? Random thoughts about this, in no particular order:

1. Growth spurt of the century? Do baby growth spurts ever last a week long? 2. One of the past nights she was refluxing quite a bit...could have been something I'd eaten - but not most of these last five nights that hasn't seemed to be a major issue. 3. Is she done using the Tucker sling? But with #2 that doesn't seem right. 4. Would she sleep better if I stopped swaddling her? I can't imagine she would... 5. Is she just wanting attention? Should I sleep train now?

And sleep training leads us to another quandary: 1. When BabyG cries, she does NOT stop unless she's picked up (and recently only if I'm the one that picks her up - even though I've made sure that lots of my coworkers, who are understandably in love with her, watch her whenever they're willing). She will cry and cry and cry - doesn't seem to tire from it. And when this girl cries, she CRIES. We're going to have a drama queen on our hands when she becomes a teenager. I just don't foresee my being able to sleep train her right now. 2. BabyG's crib is in the closet of her room, which shares a wall with the closet of LG's room where his bed is (neither closet has the doors on, in case you think we're that weird of parents). I can't really put either of them in the basement (not a super kid-friendly place), so how do I even attempt to sleep train her when he'll hear every sound she makes?

Or is this just a temporary phase she'll grow out of and I just need to ride it out? Her crazy short naps could be a result of her napping with me at work and never in a crib, but I haven't been able to help that, as I obviously couldn't nap train her at work - it's just a factor of the situation we've had, and BabyG and I have had to make due with our circumstances.

Sigh. If you've made it this long reading, thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts. There's likely no golden solution. I'll just do the best I can, try one or two ideas, use a lot of prayer (for ideas and for getting through this and for not getting sick from lack of sleep). I'm grateful for this gorgeous baby who MOST of the time is a bundle of smiles and joy. Amazingly, she doesn't seem to need as much sleep to be a happy baby. I guess I'd rather a happy baby than a grumpy baby who sleeps. I think. ;) I know I'll get through this and things will get better. That's the advantage of being on #2. I'm better able to just enjoy BabyG despite the challenges, knowing she will be this little for far too short a time. I just can't help hoping this little phase she's in is about over.