This Sickness is Not Unto Death - Part 1

"This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby." John 11:4

Family Picture, taken by Ann Caballero. 6/6/13

Monday morning, September 2nd, started out like a normal holiday-type day. I got up and nursed BabyG (age 16 months), then fed her some breakfast. LG (age 3.5) woke up, and Alena's kids (Alena is Will's older sister; her kids staying with us were A, age 8, and D, age 4) came up from the basement, and for a little while I sat with BabyG on my lap and the rest of the kids next to me and we watched cute cat and puppy shows on YouTube. LG and Alena's girls then went into his room to play, and I carried BabyG down the hall to do something in her room (turn off her fan? close her door? Don't know). I was going to shut the door to Will's and my room so he wouldn't hear the kids across the hall, but I peeked in and saw his eyes open. So I carried BabyG in and tucked us under the covers next to Will for a cuddle. She laid her head down on both of us in her characteristically affectionate way. I asked Will what our plan should be that day, and I think he responded with a "what do you think?" kind of response. We didn't have an opportunity to discuss it more, because tired BabyG had a very limited attention span for cuddling. So I got up and started her naptime routine. 

After she was down, I warmed up a leftover pancake for LG and got him eating. At some point, I went back in to our room to cuddle with William again (thank goodness), but hearing D repeatedly tell LG, "Leave me ALONE!," I figured I'd better head back to the kitchen to keep the peace. Back in the kitchen, I worked on making a fresh batch of maple syrup, and put some on a couple pancakes for myself. It was around 9:45AM, and I think I was just getting ready to do dishes, or pour the syrup into a canning jar or something, when I heard Will make a noise from the hall bathroom and then heard a very big thud. The noise he made sounded like he might have tripped on something that hurt badly (he had just tripped on Sunday on an alphabet magnet the kids had left on the floor in the kitchen), but the thud definitely sounded like a bad fall, so I ran in, saying, "Are you okay?"

My mind (as of writing this all down initially, which was the following day) has already started to block out the memory of that entire time by his side. It gets progressively harder to picture it and re-live it, so it is vital that I try to get it down before it's gone. Will was on his back, his legs and feet folded awkwardly next to the bathroom counter, his head just over the threshold into the hallway. He was looking behind his shoulder to the right. I don't remember what I said, but I was talking to him as if he would respond normally any second--I thought he'd just had a bad fall and was temporarily stunned. But as each moment passed, I noticed more. He was groaning/moaning oddly, his hands were stiffly and awkwardly pulled up by his shoulders, and he wouldn't look at me (though his eyes were open). He was writhing slowly, and at one point tried to pull himself up towards me. My questions to him quickly turned more manic and I think I started shouting at him to tell me what was going on. Still no response, still not looking at me but up behind his right shoulder. I finally realized how serious his situation was and started shouting at A (who was at the kitchen table eating breakfast) to go get Alena and have her call 911. I called that once or twice, then yelled for someone to get my phone on the coffee table (since I couldn't hear any response to what I was saying). I knew I should just jump up and go get it myself, but I was glued to Will's side and couldn't find the will power to tear myself away, even for a moment. Then Will started turning blue all over his face and moving less and less. I kept yelling for help, and then Alena was there in her garments, phone in hand. 

She took one look at Will and she was very pale and scared, but she was calm. She got on the line with the dispatcher, and said we needed 911 here right away. Around this time, Will seemed to sigh and just be gone. Alena held up the phone to my ear for me to give our address, which I had to do two separate times. I was sitting by Will's right side in the entryway of the bathroom. He then took a big breath in, followed by a long, long pause, then another breath. Alena described what was going on to the dispatcher, who had her count in between breaths (she got to the count of 9).

I had just recertified in CPR less than a year ago. I knew I should be doing something, but I just had no presence of mind. I was in complete disbelief that any of this could be happening; Will was absolutely fine just seconds ago, and here he was, looking like he was dead. I had thoughts racing through my head about suddenly becoming a widow, being left alone with two small children, and not having Will there with me to raise them. Especially with some of the harder trials I'd recently been experiencing with parenthood, I knew I was in no way ready to be put in that position.

A had let LG out of his high chair and he came over, close enough to see everything going on, but keeping his distance out of fear. He was especially bothered at my behavior, I could tell. He was still in his monkey jammies, with his green rubber bib still on. He was asking what was going on, and I was trying to get him to go in the other room so he didn't have to see all of this. He jumped up and down, whining in protest, refusing to leave. Alena leaned over and gave Will a breath - his chest rose with no resistance whatsoever. I asked if I should do compressions, and she and I were getting started with that when Minnie (Will's mom) answered the front door for the police, saying we were down the hallway. I called them over, and they had us move out of the way. I could hear an ambulance siren on its way, and thought fleetingly how I'd never had an ambulance come to my house in my whole life. Everything felt like an awful nightmare that couldn't possibly be actually happening.

Minnie had run downstairs to get her clothes on and grab some for Alena. She gave Alena's clothes to her, and I picked up LG and Alena had us go into LG's room just across the hall from where the police were working on Will. Alena said a prayer, and I finally started crying. LG told me forcefully to stop crying, and I tried to explain that I was very scared. At some point, I started hearing BabyG whining in her crib from the next room (I am sure my yells for Alena earlier must have woken her). Alena told me to stay away from what was going on, so I walked around the room with LG.

Looking out LG's window, I noticed two police cars parked outside our house, one double-parked next to the other behind our truck near the sidewalk. Either just before or while I was watching, the ambulance and a firetruck pulled up in the road in front of our driveway. Some neighbors were already coming towards our house (I would mention names, but I don't want to leave anyone out. I can recall eight specific individuals, but there may have been more). One of them saw me through the window and asked if I was okay. I opened the window and told them briefly that Will had fallen and wasn't breathing. She asked what they could do, and I just blurted out, "Pray!" She or someone asked if he needed a blessing, and I nodded furiously.

During all of this, the officers had taken Will out into the family room, shoving the coffee table out of the way so they could work on him. The officers, by the way, had jumped right into taking over CPR from Alena, which we heard later from one of the paramedics who arrived on the scene is quite unusual for them to do the CPR as rigorously as it needs to be done. He said these officers saved Will's life. Alena said they were "taking [Will] to the floor" with the CPR. The fire department brought in a defibrillator and shocked Will four times before they got him back. We were later told that they normally don't work on someone as long as they did on Will.

Officers Uipi (left) and Newell (right)

Paramedic Firefighter Devan Tandy, Will, Fire Captain Jeremy Millet, and Alena. Not pictured are Paramedic Firefighters Chad Frisby and Kagen Knudsen - we'll try to get a picture with them later!

Alena told me they were getting ready to take Will to the hospital, and that I should get dressed. She also said one of the neighbors would be taking all of our kids so they could stay together, so to get everything we needed for them. I brought LG into my room, threw on some clothes, and brushed my teeth. Then we crossed back into LG's room and Minnie and I changed him out of his jammies. We had to have officer permission/escort to move around the house, and tried to gather BabyG's diapers, diaperbag, my keys/wallet, some baby food. I think I already had picked BabyG up from her crib by then. I tried to explain to LG that he was going to go play with his cousins while I went to the hospital with daddy. He asked me, "Why did William fall down?" I think he used Will's name in an attempt to be brave and grown-up amid all the confusion.

When we came outside, the ambulance had already taken Will away. Our neighbor took the kids and we confirmed that we wanted all of them kept together, so that A could look out for the little ones, and so that they all had each other for familiarity.

All the kids at Jungle Jim's in Murray - 8/7/2013

G and A at my grandparents' cabin - late June 2013

LG and D at my grandparents' cabin - late June 2013

 I was hugged and loved by neighbor after neighbor after neighbor, sobbing into each one's shoulder, regaining composure, then sobbing again with the next one. I felt loved and supported and scared and shocked. I tried calling my mom (10:22AM). Then we (Alena, Minnie, and I) said a prayer together and headed over to the hospital. As we drove away, I could see our Relief Society president talking with some of the sisters - I didn't realize at the time that they were probably already game-planning and organizing the immense charity about to be poured out freely upon the Cosman household.

The hospital is only about a 4-5 minute drive (from garage to parking spot) from our house. We parked outside the ER and went in, quickly met by the social worker (so kind!) and joined by two of our male neighbors, dressed in Sunday clothes and prepared to give whatever blessings were needed (they had not been permitted in the house and had been told to meet us at the ER). Our bishop came soon thereafter, and then my brother, Wilson, arrived. We waited for some time for them to let us see Will in the ER. I made phonecalls to my brother, Bryce, to inform my parents (after trying them and not reaching them) and other siblings, then called Will's work and my work. Our neighbors and bishop gave me a blessing before Wilson arrived, and within an hour of that I was no longer feeling panicky and was able to calm down and breathe.

When they finally let us in to see Will, it was probably after 11 or 11:30. He was shaking ALL OVER - as if he were being electrocuted. The doctor was telling us things (no memory of what besides that Will had suffered cardiac arrest), and finally let me take Will's hand and talk to him. I told him I was here, and to try to relax and stay with us. He just was shaking and shaking like crazy. He pulled my hand in close to his chest, which made me catch my breath and cry, "Oh, I love you, William!" - I told the doctors that later and they said it was probably just a reflex, but Alena and others with me saw it happen and know otherwise. The doctor pulled Minnie, Alena and me out to tell us he was going to try to take Will off sedation to see if he could respond to some commands, and if Will did not, they would have to cool his body (into a coma, to protect his brain and heart and give them time to recover) for 24 hours. While we were out with the doctor, Wilson gave Will a blessing, which I was told (since I wasn't in the room) included saying that Will would be comforted to whatever degree he was conscious of what was happening, and that he would make a quick and full recovery if it was the Lord's will (thank you, Wilson!). Alena and I hung back from the others returning to the waiting room as they took Will off sedation, and I heard the doctor shout at him, "Will, open your eyes!" Alena hung back longer than I did, and I asked her when we got back to the waiting room if she could tell if Will had responded, and she said she didn't think so because she heard them talk about starting the cooling process.

One of our home teachers had joined us by then and let me know he was there to be our errand runner for the day. He asked if he could get us some food, and I wasn't even sure how to answer. He asked, "when did you last eat?" and I said I did have breakfast. He was such an angel--I don't recall the sequencing, but he took three separate trips just while we were in the ER waiting room: one to get us food, one to get our cell phone chargers at the house, and one to get Will's medical history, a few medications he might have taken recently, and my iPad from the house.

Eventually, they took us (Alena, Minnie, Bishop, Wilson, and me, joined later by our home teacher) up to the waiting room for the ICU. We met there with two heart doctors - Dr. Pearce, who works on the "plumbing" side of cardiac issues, and Dr. Wang, who works on the "electrical" side. They said Will's problem was definitely electrical. Dr. Wang sat down and asked us a lot of questions about what happened and potential causes for what had occurred. At some point, Dr. Pearce came in and let us know that a chest x-ray had shown that Will's left lung had collapsed, and they needed to take care of that right away. It may have occurred from the CPR, or from when they put the central line in (it might have gone in too far and punctured his lung), but that it was a serious problem and needed to be addressed right away. I gave verbal consent, and he returned after the procedure was finished and had me sign off on the consent paperwork.

I am going to close this first part of our story with some thoughts on ways I knew (along with Alena and Minnie), even at this time, that the Lord's hand was guiding this entire situation.

- Having Minnie and Alena staying with us during the time of this emergency was a godsend. I certainly hope I would have shaken myself out of my paralysis by Will's side in the bathroom to call 911 and start CPR, but precious seconds would have been lost that may well have made the difference between life and death (I am grateful I never have to find out what would have happened). Minnie had been in Utah (visiting from Indiana) since late July, visiting us, Alena, and her own sisters. She was most recently staying with Alena in Stansbury Park, and Alena and I had texted about getting together over Labor Day weekend. On Thursday, Alena let me know they wanted to come down Friday night and just stay at our house the whole weekend, if that was okay with us. Of course, we were delighted, and when she mentioned she would bring A and D, I had no qualms; we'd had a vacation and playdates together, and so our kids all knew each other and got along pretty well. I found out later that Minnie had felt impressed to come. And that Alena asked if Minnie wanted some time alone with us, but Minnie felt Alena should be there. And that Alena didn't want to bring her kids but felt she should. All feelings were inspired ones. Having A there was crucial to calm BabyG at other people's houses, since BabyG had never been away from me for more than a couple hours during the day. And besides what could have happened to Will, it was such a blessing to have immediate hugs and support inside my house, since the policemen were forbidding anyone else from entering.

- The fact that this happened on a holiday, when everyone was home and available to help us out.

- The police officers were probably at our house within five minutes of Will's falling. Like I said earlier, one of the paramedics told us how lucky we were to get officers that performed CPR with the rigor needed. In addition, the paramedics were there very quickly afterwards and were extremely prepared and well-trained.

- Talking in the hospital, Alena pointed out that she heard the sound of Will falling in the bathroom from where she and Minnie were downstairs, but that if I hadn't called A to go get her, she would have just attributed it to kids horsing around. This made me realize that Will might well have fallen in our bedroom, or our master bathroom, where I might not have heard it happen or realized how serious it was. Or, he might have had the cardiac arrest occur while he was lying in bed. In any of those cases, it likely would have been too late to save him once I would have found him.

- Each night before bed, I read a General Conference talk in conjunction with my scripture study. I just go through talks from the most recent conference sequentially, and before I clicked the "Next" button from the previous day's talk on my iPad, I knew without a doubt in my mind that it would be something that would directly apply to my situation and bring me comfort. Sure enough, it was a talk by Elder Quentin L. Cook on finding peace through disastrous circumstances. For those who missed it, I used the following quote in my Facebook status that evening to update our friends and loved ones on what had occurred: ""Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life's devastating trials and tragedies."

Will must still have an important purpose to fulfill in this lifetime, and this needed to occur for God to be able to change us in the ways we need to be changed (since we will never be the same!). As I posted on Facebook that evening, He made sure I knew He was involved in this from the start, which gave me so much peace along with all the other blessings I received throughout this ordeal (which I'll detail more in Part 2). That night, in my personal prayer before bed, I prayed that Will would be healed, but if not, that we would all have the strength to endure the trial ahead.

Will and Minnie in the ICU

I read this scripture in 3 Nephi 22 (verses 6-8) the week after all of this occurred, and it hit me like a ton of bricks:

"For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment, but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the Lord thy Redeemer."